Three weeks ago today. That’s when it happened. That’s when years worth of personal work was erased, the slate was essentially wiped clean, and I had to begin again.
Three weeks ago. It feels like yesterday. I can still hear the words coming out of their mouth. I can still feel the sting. I can still remember my face flushing, my heartbeat rising, and my brain willing myself to hold the tears inside.
Three weeks. What seems like a lifetime ago, but rises with me each morning I awake and lays down with me each night I go to sleep.
Like everyone else I deal with my fair share of insecurities and doubts. Some which have arisen for the first time and some that linger from my childhood. But we all do. We all are constantly battling our insecure and personal demons and thoughts that try to overtake our emotions.
It’s so funny to me how quickly I can let the words of one person destroy me. I remember sitting in this meeting about a student and talking with several of the people required to make a decision we were having to make for that student. And I remember another person in the room, not even from my own team or campus, flippantly inform me (I think in jest) of something the parent had told her about me. Something that was very personally attacking of my position, my character, and more. I sat there, with my mouth half open, left in shock that in the midst of a meeting someone would bring this conversation up.
The comments don’t define me. They aren’t who I am, and I know to take them with a grain of salt. I’ve trained myself (as we all have) how to try and let negative comments roll right off our backs. But oh so often we know how we should handle words, yet they still cut deep. I hadn’t had anyone make comments like this about me or my character in quite a long time. And when it happened before, many years ago, I worked hard then to not let the words of someone define who I am. Because I know who, and whose, I am.
So why do I write this post? The simple truth is, I think I just needed to let it out. To release the pain and judgement.
Three weeks ago the conversation was had and the comments were made. And for three weeks I have struggled with my ow self-image, doubt, insecurities, and things I wish I could change. Three weeks. It may not seem like a while, but oh how it has felt like an eternity. Three weeks of battling new demons who arose to take down the confidence I had worked hard to build up and to try and make me doubt every interaction I had with every person from that point forward.
But I choose to also lean on those around me. I lean on my faith. I read, I write, I cry, I sing at the top of my lungs, and I remain strong. I hold tight to what I know to be true.
All of us struggle throughout our lives with insecurity and doubt. Today, just maybe, I hope you take just a few seconds more to reach out to someone you love and remind them of how much they mean to you and take time just to sit and listen to them share some of their story.